High price and high class, the Cadillac Escalade has them licked

Sohaib Zahid

Today, rappers and hip-hop artists are running the show. They tell us to buy big cars with shiny wheels and cool gizmos to impress. In their terms, ‘bling cars.’ It’s just cool to have a car, and the coolest of the cool is the Cadillac. In America, the Cadillac brand, rather like its customers, has been dying on its feet for years, and that’s the problem. It’s hard to make a car cool when either thugs or pensioners drive it.

But when the young hip-hop generation starts to talk about it, it becomes a different matter. And it’s the Escalade. It is now featured in more rap and R&B lyrics than any other car. Snoop Dogg’s got one, Nelly’s got one, and so does Missy Elliot, and that’s just the tip of the iceberg. Why is it so popular? Well, don’t think because it’s a good car.

It weighs about 3 tons. Basically, think of putting wheels on a one-bedroom house, and you just about got it. It’s best to take those corners gently and try not to notice your miles per gallon are barely in double figures. American cars usually have pretty bad interiors and the Escalade is business as usual. Cheap plastics and fake wood don’t make bling. The old car’s front-end looked like a kid without candy, but the new one is far more apologetic, with bigger lamps and a slightly sloping grill that bites into the deep front bumper. There are triple strakes in the side vents, and triple-strake indicators in the rear lamps; the overall effect is flashier and more like a Cadillac, but it’s harder to see this car sharing space in a gentleman’s garage.

Although cost effective materials are being used inside, the layout of the fabulous cabin is new and fresh, bookended by the long spars of fake wood. I would be lying if I said I don’t adore the interior. The materials have been upgraded – there’s enough full leather headlining to put cows on the endangered species list – but it’s the gadgets that will make the headlines.

The main dials blackout completely, as there’s a dark side to them. There is a huge touch-screen display in the centre console that displays all the nightclubs around you, and to get there, under the hood is a 403 hp Vortec 6.2L V8 engine with variable valve timing (VVT) and FlexFuel capability. The windows roll up and down with the touch of a button, and the radio plays are shown on a cool screen. In fact, this car is so sophisticated that it could write its own name. Really, it’s as wonderful, and stupid, as owning a pet elephant.

When I ask people, would you rather have a big Caddy over a Beemer or a Land Rover, the answer is usually no. You see, as a vehicle, the big Caddy is poor at best. But that’s missing the point. Its magnificence and its popularity lie with its ‘bling’ factor. Let’s start with its sheer size. The Escalade is a full two feet longer than the Range Rover: a full 18 feet end to end. People are scared of this car, and that’s fantastic. It is this bulk that gives it huge presence and charisma.

While I am lost in the craftsmanship of the car, I miss the really important details. Look at the wheels and the tinted windows on those Cadillacs. The tints let the ‘honeys’ notice you when you roll the windows down, and nicely filter the people you don’t want to see.

Earlier on, I moaned that you cannot drive the Escalade quickly, and that it handles like a drunk. But in bling terms, that is the whole point. You need to lay back ride. A bling vehicle will get you from point A to B, but you’ll get to point B late. Bling is brilliant.

So why worry about the mortgage and the pension plans when you can put everything you got in to your car? People will think you’ve got money in your pocket even if you don’t. You can have a car like this and still live with your mom, and that’s really cool. She’ll let you park your car outside and even do your laundry. Amazing!

But bling, charisma, and gigantic presence aside, my question is, what about the Escalade as a machine? You see, Americans are going to Mars, but still cannot make a reliable car. You wonder, what’s been gained with the new design, and has Cadillac missed a trick by not taking the opportunity to do something imaginative?

The problem with the Cadillac – for people like me, at least – is that no matter how much we bang on about the general pointlessness of big SUVs, to drive one is to want one. Forgive the early abandonment of objectivity, but it’s a bloody cool car. It’s not something I would buy, but there is a sense of magic in this car, an X-factor, and that makes people want to walk into Cadillac showrooms with a bags full of cash and say, “get my car ready.” That is a cool machine.

I understand that it depreciates as fast as it accelerates, it’s not the fastest car in the world, and with sloppy suspension, it’s not a thriller in the corners either, but if you judge a car on how it makes you feel rather than what it can do, then Cadillac is in a class of its own.

Unlike a Beemer or a Mercedes, this one feels and it crackles and it sounds like an engine. Think of it as an Italian restaurant: you don’t get the food any faster, but it’s more exciting somehow.

Every time I see someone getting into an Audi or a BMW, I feel like yelling, “you bought the wrong car.” Escalade is such a nice place to be. You look forward to journeys, just so you can come and sit in it.