What would it look like: maybe Hulk crossed with Captain America, crossed with Wolverine

Lyle Morissette
Sports Editor

It’s quite elementary, as Sherlock Holmes would say, for any fan to identify what portion of the human body is crucial for excelling at their sport of choice. It is also common—albeit not admitted—that many admire the bodies of the world’s top athletes and use them as the benchmark for their training goals. So in that vein, what would the body of the prototypical super-athlete look like? The break down might go a little something like this (from top to bottom):

Shoulders: gymnast
Swinging along bars—and sometimes only on them— balancing on beams, landing handsprings, and hurling their bodies around rings and over pommel horses builds enormous size and strength all by itself and makes the shoulders an important apparatus of function for the common gymnast.

Chest: bodybuilder
No argument or rebuttal necessary here. Clearly anybody who has ever seen a bodybuilder would say that they have “chests of gold” and that—despite possible steroid use and ill side-effects—bodybuilders have the most coveted chests that are not operated on (wink wink). Rock solid and built to withstand anything, the chest of many a bodybuilder has been captured and enshrined in monument form. The “Governator” of California instantly comes to mind.

Back: rower
They sit backwards and use their back and upper bodies as the be-all-end all to success, so how could they not have the ideal back for the prototypical athlete. Often when you see a rower, you see a v-shaped torso built in equal proportion to withstand bouts of endurance that they need to prepare for. They may not have the largest backs, but they do indeed have one of the most efficient.

Arms: football player
Tackling fools and stiff-arming opponents are two big reasons why football stars have huge and fear inducing biceps. The other reason: intimidation. If you have small arms to go along with those huge shoulder pads and helmet, you will look like a drawn caricature that belongs in a cartoon. And in a sport dependant on sheer strength and agility, a pair of well developed arms go a long way to earning that big paycheck.

Midsection: boxer
For one, they fight with their shirts off and having a well toned six-pack can do nothing but increase one’s confidence. Two, they can intimidate one’s opponent and get them to thinking, “maybe I should hit somewhere else because punches to the abs won’t get me anywhere”. And this is why you will often never see a boxer without a chiseled pair of abdominal muscles. They are simply a must for an athlete who must withstand a barrage of punches to the gut.

Thighs/quads: Olympic speed-skater
The recent Winter Olympic games should surely justify this: the size of some of the thighs and quads on these skaters are often the size of the torso of the very same athlete. Leg power is everything in this sport and these skaters have the “goods” to prove it.

Calves: basketball player
In a sort predicated on running and jumping and cutting and running and jumping and cutting…catch the drift, a pair of sturdy calves are a must. It’s not a coincidence that often when a basketball player tears of destroys any muscle in his calves—or legs of that matter—that their careers are often over, or they simply drift into the has-been crowd.

Hands: hockey player
Wrist shots, slap shots, tripping, slashing, high-sticking. What brings all these to fruition? The excellent hands of a hockey player. Any fan can attest to the fact that a hockey players lasting potential truly lies in the skill set that they exhibit with their hands.

Feet: soccer player
In a game primarily and solely dependent upon foot skill, it is not surprising that the feet of a soccer player would be ideal for the prototypical super-athlete. Kicking, running, coordination, and durability, all these factors are of upmost importance to a soccer player and their feet are their ticket to glory and money.

Head: tennis player
This one is completely irrelevant to the overall purpose, but with headbands, hats, beanies and the like all being allowed in tennis, why would the super-athlete not want to flaunt a little and sport some stylish head gear or a non-uniform getup.

So there it is, the prototypical super-athlete. Now who wants to build it?